Sensual Sexuality

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Axioms

An excerpt from my book, THE BAD KITTY HANDBOOK:

One key to living authentically is to stop blaming, being the victim or ignoring what is really going on. Our society is so geared to the blame game. It's taken away our ownership as well as our power over our lives.

How many times have you heard, or said yourself:
- It's my mom's fault.
- If my husband had treated me better, I wouldn't be like this.
- Everyone treats me badly.
- You're making me so angry.
- My life stinks because I can't get a good job.
- Things just happen, I can't help it.
- I can't have a good relationship because my whole family is messed up.
- I'm late because of the traffic.
And many more excuses for why we do things, are the way we are or feel the way we feel.

I have good news for you – you are in complete control of it all! Our circumstances only control us as much as we allow them. Have you ever heard of a little something called choice? Yes, we do have it in every situation.

But I have no control over traffic! Yes, you're right. You do have a choice in how you react to it. You have a choice in checking the traffic report before you leave and knowing to leave extra time during rush hour.

But I have no control over how my parents raised me! Yes, you're right. You do have a choice in how you live your life, whether you use your experiences to grow or be stuck, whether you see things in a positive or negative light, whether you decide to move on and leave the pain behind.

But I have no control over what others do to me! Yes, you're right. You do have a choice in whether you allow them to treat you poorly. You have a choice in your reactions. You decide if you stay in a state of anger or irritation or if you move away from it.

There is ALWAYS a choice!

There are three axioms for living a life of choice.

1.A THING IS WHAT IT IS.
We label many things. We call a thing we sit on a chair. What is it really? Two pieces of wood nailed together at a 90 degree angle with 4 sticks nailed to the bottom corners of one of the pieces. It's wood, varnish or paint, nails and glue. That is truly what it is.

We label emotions. Sometimes we feel queasy in the stomach, tingly in the skin, a little light headed and, depending on the situation, we label it nervous or excited. Actually, the feeling is exactly the same, it's just what we decide to call it.

The first axiom is about simply seeing things as they are at the most basic. No labels, no layering of expectation or distortion from those filters we talked about before. See it for what it really is.

2.OWN IT AND BE RESPONSIBLE FOR IT AS IT IS.
For the chair, it is solid. If you try to punch it, you will hurt your hand. If you turn it on it's side and step on one of the legs, it will probably break. Trying to sit on the poky side will hurt or at least not be terribly comfortable. If you throw it at the wall, it may break and the wall will certainly be worse for wear.

When you are in a situation that starts to push some buttons emotionally, realize you are allowing yourself to feel as you feel. Someone else isn't “making” you angry, you are simply angry. Own that emotion. It's yours. The situation may bring up some things that you haven't dealt with or remind you of another time when similar emotions occurred. And they are YOUR emotions. Own it and be responsible for it. No one can “make” you feel anything. It's your very own special feeling.

3.CREATE WHAT YOU WANT.
We may call that collection of planks and sticks a chair, but it can be so much more! It can be a space ship, throw a blanket over it and make a fort, a stepstool, a zoo for your stuffed animals, part of a maze. You are only limited by your imagination. Ask any child what possibilities there are to create from a chair. How many kids will put a toy aside and play with the box it came in? That is creating what you want. The box has way more possibilities!

When it comes to emotions, it can be a little trickier until you get the hang of it. To clarify, it's not about being enlightened and somehow above feeling. That's skipping to the end of the process and it will eventually come back and bite your ass. Rather, it's about acknowledging the feeling – step 2 – rather than glossing over it or pretending it doesn't exist or that you're somehow “above” these emotions, especially the ones we deem “negative” like anger.

In truth, no emotion is negative, it's what you do with it that can have poor consequences. So take how you're feeling, own it and then decide what you are going to do with it. Are you going to channel it in a way that serves or hurts you? Are you going to decide to sit and stew in it or express it and be done with it? It's up to you.

www.thebadkitty.com